At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
You Might Also Like
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
There is wisdom there.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.