I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.