The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Ron is short for Aaronald
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.