men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Body by cheese-puffs.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
somebody come look at this
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.