Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation