doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.