do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ