me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.