At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Day 2 of my diet
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.