Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You Might Also Like
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!