Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
rapatouille
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My Guy
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?