Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?