“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.