[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.