Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way