[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I’ve had relationships like this
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
getting old is fun
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”