This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
You Might Also Like
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Those are good neighbors.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
In case you needed to hear it:
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
we’re dead?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.