me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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Things will get butter, keep churning
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Don’t tell me what to do
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
hmm conte-me mais
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.