Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Can’t stop laughing
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift