Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*