Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago