i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.