Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing