My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
he chose this
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?