What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You Might Also Like
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.