[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.