I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.