Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”