Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”