Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe