I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
j o i m p
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch