Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
You Might Also Like
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?