Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
PLOT TWIST:
🤔😂😂
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m about to risk it all
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*