I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince