My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
me irl
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
How to find Kentucky on a map