My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed