“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.