they鈥檙e called hooves, dummy馃檮
You Might Also Like
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Can鈥檛, I鈥檓 in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Swing states aren鈥檛 as much fun as they sound.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I鈥檓 not a lawyer!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That鈥檚 a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter鈥檚 attitude and she told me I should鈥檝e named her payback.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.