When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.