What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
#milo
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?