Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Well, this explains it:
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Vodka burrito was a success
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?