Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread