Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach