[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.