killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
i baked you a cake
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.