Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
dads on road-trips be like
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending