First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
road rage
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.