Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.