If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
You deplete me
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home