How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
You Might Also Like
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Catering service
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.